this is what i’ve memorized.

Dear Rebel,

Someone invaded my reflection last night. I swear those curves could not have belonged to me. In a room full of so many bodies, I tried not to find mine. I tried to keep my eyes closed and grant permission to all this bending and choreography, but the more we repeated these movements, the more I wanted to weep.

What happened to my hip sway. Why am I so distracted by the cluttered clog of my gender.

Rebel, there is so much salt in me that you can surf on my bones and swim in the atlantic of my blood. I hear your curled voice telling me to give in. And also to pause. And also to sit with it and in it.

You are telling me to spread my legs to my cracked palms and find the prayer of my moan.

You are telling me to sip this cold from beneath wool and wine.

You are telling me to keep walking toward the brilliance of unexpected spirits.

You are telling me that these thoughts do not need to alter my label, my gender, my sexuality.

You are telling me to fall in love with every human because it gives me reason to remember my musculature.

Rebel, this is what I’ve memorized:

Touch: It is like I am being set on fire with language. I am body dysmorphic. The sensation of carbon dioxide which lifts up my veins reminds me that I am three-dimensional. I love love. Wine can slur me into sleep, poems and honest dissections of my childhood. Gender is something I think about more than breath control and perhaps this is why I hiccup so much. I have no desire to be a boy or man, and find myself messily settling into other. I am more than addicted to coffee; it has become like a love affair (intruding on all of my thoughts). Sorrow. A poem by Vera Pavlova about definition. The way my mouth feels after eating peanut butter. Regret.

You tell me to be careful of the devouring of wounds.

Rebel, there is something about this sobriety. Not to booze but to lies and how potent is truth. Tell me how to paint my skull with a chorus of climaxes.

Here is this skin and it is white and this winter makes it like paper. You can inscribe it or crumple it. Crows and pigeons live inside the creases. At some point, I need to locate all the soldiers, stiff and ready on my flesh and tell them the war is ending. To go home. To disarm. At some point, I need to just start colliding with my soul.



2 responses to “this is what i’ve memorized.

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