Not so deep in the bellows of my belly lives a disco ball. At night, I can see the illuminated squares rotate from within and when I pinch my skin, I can see the reflection of all my meals. Neon dinner. Rotating snacks.
Look closer, and one can see the ransom notes I’ve sent to various parts of my body. Over the course of many years I’ve patched together letters, addressing my bones and bends. But today, I want to turn my body on. I want to celebrate the glitter blinding me. Bits of confetti exhaling out from my pores and pounding me into a new shape. Skin looking a bit more like a holiday collage of colors.
Several night ago, I watched a human on stage dressed in so much glitter, one might believe they were a flesh-covered disco ball, spinning and singing about the history of their body and gender. I sang along because sometimes bodies share songs like maps in glove compartments all across the country and beyond. So many of us are looking for the same road…it just takes us awhile to get there.
Detours.
Potholes.
Road blocks.
Poorly lit roads.
At the end of this human’s performance, there was the repeated mantra that sometimes we must leave things behind in order to move forward.
I have traveled with this disco ball inside my body for many years. Perhaps since birth. I went years with it laying dormant inside me, barely reflecting anything besides the confusion of my blood. Only recently, have I rewired it, shining squares that never saw light.
I agree. Sometimes we do need to leave things/thoughts/humans behind in order to come closer toward an entry point.
Upon rummaging for this disco ball, I found more EXIT signs than I could keep track of. I went on a long walk in search of an “S“. Put on two scarves and two pairs of socks. Two pairs of pants and several sweaters to keep me warm– I had no idea how long this journey might take.
It had been several hours and hunger started to arrive in my system. I ignored the growls, and suddenly noticed something beside a pinecone. It was what I had spent all day searching for. The “S“.
When I got home, I slipped off all the layers and found my nude. I dug deep inside my body and could feel the rotating disco ball. This made me smile. I grabbed as many EXIT signs as I could find stuck to my bones, and pulled them out. I found one stubborn one behind my ribs; I pulled it out and stuck the “S” to it.
Sometimes we need to leave things/thoughts/humans behind in order to remember how to EXIST.
Aimee Herman 