Apparently, there is a portal inside me. I am not sure what it looks like or even smells like. How big it is or if there are windows.
I used to think there were squatters, dirty needles, unidentifiable graffiti in there. I used to think there were bed bugs and restraining orders and malnourished rats in there.
But that was yesterday.
Today, I feel like maybe I have been referencing the wrong alphabet. Did you know that you can curl your fingers like caterpillars into palms and summon your life? Did you know that all you need to do is ask for something? With unwavering voice, just ask.
I am afraid of stairs with open spaces, bridges with shaky, wooden boards, leeches, red dye 40 (cochineal), getting locked out, getting locked in, airborne contagion, unemployment, writer’s block, our government.
I am afraid of myself.
I am serving myself a subpoena.
It says: Stop being so frightened of living.
It says: Don’t be so afraid of the wild beast hibernating inside you.
It says: Start falling in love again.
Aimee Herman 