I wait for a woman whom I haven’t seen in many years. She is crossing the Brooklyn Bridge; I am below it with book in hand and chalkboard-colored sky above me. Something has swallowed my entire body and I am suddenly invisible. Rain drops against the pavement around me. I feel the temperature drop several degrees. I am hidden enough to watch a man turn completely around, interrupting his brisk stroll to check out a woman with extremely visible legs cutting open the air with every hip-sway.
Sitting, I wonder what would happen if I removed my black pants. Took off faded brown/red corduroy jacket. Threw vest to the floor. Pulled paisley tie away from neck and hung it against the chair. Removed grey button down shirt to be left with black bra and un’matching underwear. Kept on black boots. And glasses. And do I want this?
Is it in the measurement of skin visible that reveals oneself? Is my gender just a ghost trying not to call too much attention to myself, blurring the lines of masculinefeminine without making too much of a statement?
I am crossing the street toward the 3 train and suddenly I hear kissing noises arrive from a man hiding inside his car, waiting for the traffic light to change. I think those sounds are for me.
I start to panic. Did I measure wrong? I look down and notice that I am wearing what I tend to wear everyday. Tie. Pants. Button down shirt. Vest. Hair is loose. What is he kissing? Is he noticing my obscure gender? My neck is exposed. Is that what he sees?
A mosquito bites my hand twice. A gesture of extreme lust for the blood rushing inside me. How long has this fly been traveling and was I its first choice? Fingernails begin to itch at the bumps beginning to form and I wonder if mosquitos ever think about their gender. Do they long to differentiate themselves from the others?
I am ghostly due to my inconsistent arrival of costume…my need to jump off maps in order to be untraceable…my hidden personas that arrive in the late evening or in dream sequences or memories…there are too many breaths here and I need to slow down in order to catch/study/understand them all……