This body is a storm approaching or one just ending. This body is a gathering of ice and traffic accidents due to slippery roads. This body is approaching a summer storm. This body is a heat index of 89. This body is covered in dew and a mist slowly speeding over joints. This body is winded. This body is grey. This body is has been a haunt of melancholia
My body is a weather pattern.
I have depression, but it currently lays dormant inside me. I exist one moment at a time, kind of like the sun. Rising and falling. Sometimes in need of a hiding (behind clouds). Brighter on days that make up for the times I just feel far too dim to shine.
Sadness is not like a wound we are used to seeing. It does not always bleed and it isn’t contagious. It is not like the flu; there is no depression shot.
We need to address that depression is not a cold. It is not a stuffed-up nose and achy bones that can be relieved with over-the-counter remedies. It is not a bad mood or a bad day. It is a disease that exists within the cellular structure of more humans than we can keep track of.
There is no one-size-fits all outfit for depression. It is worn differently by everyone. Some mix-and-match, adding on other complicating accessories such as drug addiction or other addictions. Sometimes it is very visible. Othertimes, it can be easily masked behind sunshine’y demeanors.
This earth can be a difficult land to live on, but it is beyond nature; it is how we are nurtured as well.
Recently, a young couple in Portugal fell off a cliff because they were attempting a photograph of the moment. (Otherwise known as a selfie)
Even when we are present, we are not (sometimes).
Sometimes we must forego sleep, wake at an hour that some are just easing into slumber, and travel toward the sunrise. Watch a moment without documenting it.
Recognize that so much of this sadness is also about a need to be somewhere at all times and just being present within yourself can be enough.
We should not wait for depression to puncture our eyes in order to pay attention to its voice.
Put away your cameras and be in a moment. Study the thousands of shades of blue that exist after sunset. Give yourself permission to cry….there doesn’t always have to be a reason. Sometimes life is just sad and sometimes bodies get closer to the edge than others.
But jumping takes you away from seeing the other side of this landscape. And it is vivid. And it is far too exquisite to translate into pictures (sometimes). And this translation of sad is still searching for letters.
Feelings aren’t selfish. And there are times where having these feelings leave no other choice but to leave.
Walk outside your front door. Check on your welcome mat. Dust it off, if it hasn’t been in awhile. Go out and buy one if there’s none already. Let those who enter your world know they are welcome to come in. This, in turn, creates a safe space to let you in.
Aimee Herman 